Archive for the Dr. Dave and Bill Category

Quick! Code 303!

Dr. Dave, Bill, and Bill's Luxurious Hotel Bathrobe

Hey, Kids! It’s Dr. Dave and Bill! What will they do next?

This recent New York Times article has them in a wacky new bind!

Tune in while they tackle the old “choice or disease” debate. Watch them as they pull — right out of their very asses —  an entire personal history and personality profile for one of their critics, and use it to publicly humiliate him.

The guy is mad!

Witness, before your eyes, how Dr. Dave and Bill turn science into superstition and back again… and back again!

Folks, it will boggle your minds.

Watch in bafflement as they make a mockery of the World Health Organization, citing magical sources that vanish into thin air when you try to verify them! Is alcoholism a disease or a related health condition?


Did you think that alcoholism was a disease? How cute of you. Think again, boyo! Being drunk is a disease. Which proves everything Dr. Dave and Bill have ever thought or said.

Wonder Twin Powers Activate!

DR. DAVE: No, I am telling you that the word disease means that someone has a health condition that has a known progression that results in sickness, injury or death. Every country in the world uses the same list—it’s called the International Classification of Diseases. Our monotone lush is experiencing a short-term disease process called Acute Alcohol Intoxication, or Code 303.0, that may cause him broken bones or a broken relationship.

BILL: ..and if he continues on? Or as we say in AA, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results?

DR. DAVE: Well, repeated intoxication does force you to alter your perspective of risk and reality, which we call the disease of Nondependent Alcohol Abuse, or, if you like medical labels—Code 305.0. That’s what we would have diagnosed Harry Potter in last week’s column on the Boy Wizard.

BILL: At the end of my drinking career, I drank myself into two hospitals in ten days. I had the Real Deal Disease—a blackout drunk with a medical chart I can still remember was labeled “Alcoholic!”

DR. DAVE..or what we would call Alcohol Dependence in today’s disease list, giving you a Code of 303.9 to emblazon on your T-Shirt of Sobriety.


Dr. Dave and Bill

Narcotics Anonymous Took My Daughter Away

BILL: Which brings us full circle in our advice to moms like Carla: If you want to know the secret handshake, you have to join the club—which means recognizing that many Narcotics Anonymous meetings have companion Naranon Family Groups down the hall. Carla, join your daughter on a regular basis. Meetings close to where you live can be found at the Naranon website.

DR. DAVE: And for the readers who don’t know that reference to a “secret handshake” is a Bill witticism, let me quote from the NA website: “The only requirement for Naranon membership is that there be a problem of addiction in a relative or friend.”

Imagine the lovely three-generation family portrait this family will take:

DR. DAVE: Right –something for everyone! But you already know the person who will benefit most from having the family as a whole involved in the community of recovery…

BILL: Indeed–Carla’s granddaughter who joined a sober family way of life long before she becomes old enough to bend to the genetic predispositions to addiction with which she was born.

Dr. Dave and Bill

Sounds like Dr. Dave and Bill are trying to expand the great Elastic Pants of Alcoholics Anonymous to accommodate the girth of their enormous egos spirituality.

I just want to know how poor old “START” is going to survive, once all their members start jumping ship to follow these two total boobs.

Dr. Dave and Bill

In my “conversations” with AAs, it’s occurred to me that, in general, these people are so insulated that when they try to engage anyone outside the fold, their pathological lack of perspective allows then to unselfconsciously just… say shit. They just say shit that no one whose brains aren’t scrambled (in a very precise way) would be able to respond to — and they have no idea how they sound to critical thinkers. It’s really like they get so used to it, that they believe no one is listening but people who exist in the same creepy cocoon with them — who have no other point of reference. You know how abusers will bully and gaslight in the privacy of their own homes, but will act like gentle souls out in public? It’s as if these people have forgotten that there actually is a general public, who will see through it. Continue reading Dr. Dave and Bill

Because, Shut Up! That's why. Dr. Dave and Bill

Shorter Dr. Dave and Bill: Marijuana should not be legalized because marijuana is illegal. Did you ever stop to consider the possibility that if it is legalized, some people will smoke it, and other people will sell it?

You mean, we could die?

You mean, we could have died?

Dr. Dave and Bill

Oh, these two! I really pray that Dr. Dave and Bill remain this arrogant and deluded. Seriously, there are few things funnier than watching a smug panty-sniffer reveal their inner perv with every wag of the finger. 

They ask in the title of this week’s column:

Is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford a sex addict?

Well, of course, this is the first reasonable question that should pop into any person’s mind. And naturally it would be utterly irresponsible not to speculate — and maybe fantasize — do a little role-playing — just to really get to the bottom of it. And using the interrogative? Well, that is just a very advanced rhetorical flourish, that allows the smart men to suggest something, without actually having to back it up. Are Dr. Dave and Bill a couple of dirty-minded creeps? Who knows!

BILL: Dave, if I described a 46-year-old married father to you, a guy who disappeared for almost a week, leaving no word for his wife or office, you might think he’d been in an auto accident or drunk.

DR. DAVE: Are you asking if South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford got drunk on love when he snuck off to Argentina to have an affair?

Or are you asking if Sanford was tweaking on love? Perhaps he was overeating on love?

BILL: When I used to be an editor under Helen Gurley Brown at Cosmopolitan, we wrote a lot of articles about what women will do for love. I can’t remember one about a woman so sexually infatuated she’d act like Mark Sanford.

Wait! I thought we were talking about love. No? At this point, it might be irresponsible not to specualte about whether real love can actually exist between men and women… Maybe only men can manage to maintain that Platonic Ideal… Maybe what people think of as love between men and women is just some shadow, just sexual infatuation… an allergy, perhaps?

And Bill has never heard of a woman acting like an asshole over a relationship? Good god.  

DR. DAVE: Are we back to that old notion of yours that anything outside of alcohol and drugs can’t be a “real addiction?”

BILL: After ex-Senator Larry Craig’s men’s room adventures, David Carradine’s seemingly autoerotic death, and now Sanford’s rambling press conferences about unrequited love? Dave, I’m past that.

Dr. Dave and Bill know a sexual addiction when it makes their naughty parts tingle.

Here’s the rest…

Dr. Dave and Bill

The stupid is suffocating with Dr. Dave and Bill this weekend. How two grown men can collaborate to pack so many levels of wankery and inanity into such a short column should be studied.

Bill sees one of the signs of the apocalypse in Obama’s tobacco legislation. And of course, this rant (which is worthy of the comments section on just naturally and smoothly — totally unforced — leads to the subject of AA… I sweardagohd, I am going to have to design some kind of a helmet to protect my brain from turning to squish when I read this stuff. I still haven’t recovered from my Grapevine Experiment.

DR. DAVE: What you heard from Bush was a man quietly noting his addiction and going into a private meeting with other recovering people. What you heard from Obama was that he was “95% cured.” What would you say to an AA member who told you he “fell off the wagon from time to time?”


BILL: What you’re saying is, tobacco works? But even so, Dave, while I might give Obama a light in the midst of some crisis, if I heard President Bush ask for a shot of Old Granddad in the same situation, I’d hide the booze. So, what advice do you have for the nicotine addict who says life is too stressful for him/her to give up its magic?