Archive for 21 April 2009

Addicted To 12-Step Programs

stuartsmalley1

I’m going to die homeless, penniless, and 30 pounds overweight.” – Stuart Smalley

Today, there is a 12-Step group for just about every problem, and even a few made up problems. From Sexaholics Anonymous to Neurotics Anonymous (which I think is just plain crazy), each uses the same twelve approach. One such group is Nicotine Anonymous, which makes me chuckle a little bit, because AA meetings are full of smokers. I mean, if the twelve steps work, and God is really stepping in to control a person’s drinking addiction, why would He not go ahead and slap away their nicotine addiction while He is in there fixing things? I don’t know why, but he doesn’t. He only fixes smokers who attend the special 12-Step for nicotine meetings

Another interesting group is Homosexuals Anonymous. They make gay people straight.  I looked this group up, and noticed that they had fourteen steps instead of only twelve. I initially assumed it was the same twelve steps, with a couple of steps thrown in about powerlessness over dressing too tastefully or wearing butch haircuts, but that turned out not be the case. Personally, this group has an advantage over traditional 12-Step groups, because anyone capable of joining this group in the first place is already delusional, so they won’t need much mind bending.

Homos Anonymous should not be confused with the many AA groups devoted exclusively to gays and lesbians. Some groups are mixed with males and females, but some are exclusive to the same gender. These hold a particular advantage to those alkies interested in 13th stepping, because everyone in the group is on the same team, so it doubles their chances.

Gamblers Anonymous is another AA knock-off. I have a friend in Las Vegas who belongs to both this group and AA. That is a lot of dogma. I’m willing to bet them ten to one that Gamblers Anonymous won’t work, either; because they use the same twelve steps as AA. For those GAers who happen to fail the program, they should not worry because there is another 12-Step group called Debtors Anonymous.

Lip Balm Anonymous is for those who have been victimized by the scourge of lip hydration products. I feel really bad for poor guy who failed Gamblers Anonymous, went on to fail Debtors Anonymous, and winds up on the street and gets addicted to lip balm because living in the cold outdoors was chapping his lips. The good thing is he won’t have to go to Overeaters Anonymous.